My Shortest Online Relationship Did Me No Good

I was and am somewhat of a loser, let's get that straight right now. At my should-be-partying-with-friends age of 22, I am rather online or playing video games all the time and drinking solely with my boyfriend at home.I'm not exactly a social butterfly.

Until the age of 17 all my relationships had been online relationships, many of them unsavory. There was a guy when I was 12, who was 17, who dragged me along for half a year then suddenly cut of contact with me. Not to mention all the guys in the middle of that, one of which was an on and off relationship of 6 years. He now cheats on his real life girlfriend, which makes me glad we finally cut it off 5 years ago.

I stumbled upon my first meaning relationship when I was 15, nevermind the fact that it was online and only 3 months long.

The year 2001 was a tough one for me personally. In January, both of my best friends wouldn't talk to me anymore and I felt like I was going to have a break down. My mom withdrew me from public high school and enrolled me in a type of homeschooling where I had 0% human interaction. A couple of months later, both of my friends opened their hearts back up to me with no provocation, but it was too late. I had already adjusted to being alone all of the time.

I met Ian online in October by, surprisingly enough, not saying anything in a certain chatroom. I'd join it and lurk for a couple of hours, maybe say a couple of things for the whole duration, then go back about my business. He instant messaged me one night to see why I had always been so quiet, and nothing was the same from that night on.

One of the first things we'd talked about was music, and I was completely shocked that I really had no opinions on it at that age. A few years prior, I was all into KoRn Nine Inch Nails, and the Offspring, but at 15 I was really impartial. I mostly listened to anime theme songs and sometimes my old CDs, but never really gave it any more than two seconds thought.

The first band he really got me into was Nine Inch Nails, which I had liked before and was more than happy to absorb again. I can't even remember most of the bands he turned me onto anymore, it was a barrage of information and 3 to 5 megabyte files downloaded through my 56k that have gotten lost in the sands of time.

We talked on the phone long into the night, before the days of heavy cell phone usage. My phone bill was huge and my mother was not pleased in the least. For one, the phone bill was in the hundreds; and for two, I was talking to a man 4 years older than I was.

In November, he proposed that he come visit me for New Years and I was more than happy to comply. Unfortunately, things weren't to go much further than that visit.

He came down by bus sometime between December 28 and 30, I don't remember anymore. I do remember how I felt, though. I'd never actually felt happy like that before, to have someone right in front of me say that they love me. I was young, you know? Every girl wants someone to want and love them. I had gotten my first hug and kiss from someone who actually cared about me, with no visible strings attached.

I can honestly say those few days were some of the best days of my life. I'd gone on my first real date, my first loving kiss, and the first person to connect with me on every level. We took walks around the neighborhood, went to the mall, played video games together, and generally enjoyed each other's company.

He went home on January 1 and I'd never cried so much in my life. Just being separated made me feel like I was being torn in two and I didn't understand it. Even a tomboy like me can feel something like that, I suppose.

I honestly don't remember much about his visit. It all went by faster than I had wanted. I wish I could remember at least the way he looked at me, so my heart could know whether he knew or not he knew what he was about to do.

What really changed me was not the relationship itself, but the ending of it.

A couple of days after he went home, he told me that he wanted to get back together with his ex-girlfriend, whom he was till hung up on. Truthfully, I don't think I cried right then. I was blinded by anger and fear. Anger that he could do that to me right after he went home, and fear of what the future held.

I talked to him like a lesser human being after that. He would keep making choices I didn't approve of, and I would call him on his stupidity at every chance I could get. The girl he left me for, Sam, messaged me not too long after the break up and we became solid friends despite the negative feelings I'd held for her before.

She left Ian, because a relationship was not what she wanted from him, she just wanted to talk. I felt like the break up was for nothing, but he would have no more of me. I'd treated him too badly for him to ever think of me like that again. He bounced around from girlfriend to girlfriend, one of which I successfully deflected away from him via being awesome. Ian didn't know what to do with himself after that.

After so much verbal abuse, Ian decided he couldn't deal with me anymore, so he disappeared for about a year. Over that year I had become severely jaded and more than a little cynical of the world around me. It took me two years to fully get over that man, and I've never gotten rid of this shadow hovering over me in regards to relationships. I can't trust, and I don't want to trust.

My shortest relationship was also the most influential to me, for better and for worst. Through the steps of the relationship and the subsequent break up and mini-war, I became what I am today. Opinionated and brash. I trust no one, and I feel that anyone with opinions opposite mine are wrong. I'm fairly sure I'll never be able to truly loosen up in a romantic setting, as I've failed time and time again years after the Ian phase.

C'est la vie. And man, this was really, unintentionally long.