All About Trolls on The Internet

The internet is endless. You can see the current news, shop, play games, chat, browse forums, and even accidentally see one of your loved ones nude. While the vast, endless information and abilities at your finger tips are nice, the real gem on the crown of the mighty internet is the ability to truly act the way you want to in any situation.

I am a troll. If I see something I don't like, I will bring attention to it as bluntly and irritatingly as possible. You would think that it's easy to be an unrelenting jerk. I mean, how hard could it be to return to your primal isntincts and tear at someone (on the internet) will all your (internet) might? Well you're right, it's really not that hard.

Trolls hide out in the corners of your favorite forums or websites waiting to strike. Some might be more outgoing and seem to be perfectly nice until something instills rage, while most are lurkers: those who browse the site for entertainment and don't say anything until they see something that may or may not be the dumbest thing they've ever heard.

Most incidents of trollery spawn from nerd rage. Nerd rage is a special term for anger towards people who are ignorant to the nerd's interests.

A very basic example of this would be going on a Star Trek forum and (somehow) confusing Klingons with Wookies (from Star Wars). Something like that is just asking for a huge dose of nerd rage. And if some nerd gets mad enough, they just might try to find your IP address. And if they do that, then it's only going to go downhill for you from there.

Trolls aren't always geeks or nerds. Sometimes they're just angry people. Angry at the world for not feeling the same way they do. Human nature is at its most transparent online. 

For people who are not trolls or do not know what a troll is, it's important not to get too carried away with what they're doing or saying. Getting too into it can leave you open for massive ego damage, and a troll can sense a chump from a mile away. Chumps are prime targets for hacking or information digging, so don't feed the troll. 

There are several types of trolls. People can be nasty in a variety of ways if they really feel like it. These are the primary trolls you can find prowling around the web:

• hay guys wuts goin on Troll: This troll's goal is to act as ignorant and confused as possible in order to frustrate you, the not troll. Some of these trolls are cleverly disguised, while others are obviously trolling. Look for the following to tell if that guy on the other side of the screen is a wuts goin on troll: Blatant ignorance of things that forum or chat pertain to, literally the phrase "hay guys wuts goin on," refusal to acknowledge any rebuttals as actual facts.
• Tactical Argument Instigator: The TAI is tricky, because you can't tell if they're being serious or not. Their posts give you a feeling of "Can you really be that stupid?" The tricky part is these trolls is that they are easily confused with ACTUAL idiots. They can type competently (sometimes) and have pretty good arguments, but usually those arguments consist of personal or demographical insults and facts that are just wrong to confuse and infuriate you. These trolls are the hardest to detect. Look for: Constantly changing arguments, obvious loss of temper, self-rightous attitudes.
• Flamers: Flamers are the most common type of troll on the internet. They are on your favorite sites and are not afraid to show their true colors. (See: blood red) Your typical flamer doesn't care about grammar or spelling, they just care about getting their rage sent across the information super highway as quickly as possible. A Flamer will throw every insult in the world at you in order to get you upset or crush your spirit. Flamers have pushed some people to take some pretty drastic measures. Flaming is pretty amazing in a way, because it takes someone truly special to toss their human decency to the wind and make someone feel like dirt on a whim. Keep an eye out for: Inconsistant spelling, CAPITAL LETTERS, and a slew of insults.
• Flood Troll: These guys are really simple. They flood (repeatedly post or say) forums with pornographic or digusting pictures and redundant, blatantly BS topics; and they flood chats with the same things repeatedly or ASCII art. There are no guidelines for noticing Flood Trolls, because they're out in the open. These guys and the flamers are the ones most likely to hunt down your information for lulz.

The examples above are the most basic kind of troll. There are several different methods of trolling, and it's not really easy to categorize them. It was hard enough to figure out how to describe the hay guys wuts goin on Troll.

So you want to be a troll? That's great, it makes the internet a more interesting and dynamic place. That's what I think, anyway. Your average web surfer just wishes we'd all just go away and leave them alone. Boo hoo. 

Being a troll is sort of like being in a speshul club. A club that finds humor in a speshul kind of entertainment: other people's discomfort and suffering. That's deplorable, right? Right, and that makes it all the more funny.

Dear Internet User,

Please don't cry when my fellow trolls and I ransack your MySpace or Blog. It's nothing personal, we're just bored. Lie low for a week or two and we'll probably forget you unless you cracked under the pressure and gave us good reason to keep hounding you.

There is something that distinguishes me from you. You use the internet, but I live on the internet. I might as well be smothered down into a disc, ripped, and then uploaded on a P2P site. That's how much time I'm online. That's how much time most trolls are online. It's a little lonely here. Over the years I've learned that there's a distinct difference between interacting with people online and verbally talking with people in real life. Luckily I've found you to quell that loneliness and boredom for a little while, though I know you don't appreciate it.

No, I don't know how that guy for your phone number and address and I was not one of the people to call you at 4 o'clock in the morning. I didn't mail you any hate letters either, I just helped destroy your internet life. The funny thing about the internet is, even if your so-called "life" gets destroyed, you can change your email, your website URLs, screen names, everything. I'm positive you'll pick up the pieces.

So shine on, you crazy diamond. I'm going to turn my computer off for the first time in 10 days and get some sleep. I should probably get a job sometime soon too, I can't pay for my electricity or internet without one.

Sincerely,

Someone Who Helped Take Down All of Your Sites